Nine Reasons that the Supreme Court Won’t Televise Its Proceedings

The United States Supreme Court has again rejected a request to allow video footage of proceedings in the Court.  Interviews with sources inside the Court reveal why the Court is so fearful of cameras in the courtroom:

9.  Like many primitive cultures, many Justices believe that cameras will steal their souls.

8.  Court can’t reach a consensus on whether Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorsese, or Steve McQueen should direct.

Nolan Ryan About To Hug Woman On Field7.  Potential disruptions by Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

6.  Cameras might reveal that Justice Kennedy decides 5-4 cases by flipping a coin.

5.  The embarrassment of ratings for an ERISA oral argument being lower than a Judge Judy rerun on Channel 38.

4.  Concerns that video might “mis-educate the American people.”  Wait, that one’s real.

220px-Ruth_Bader_Ginsburg_official_SCOTUS_portrait3.  TV might cause Justice Thomas to double or even triple the number of questions he asks.

2.  The CIA has asked that Special Agent Bader Ginsburg not be shown on camera for fear of jeopardizing her undercover work in Azerbaijan.

1.  “How we decide cases is none of your damn business, Hippies, Hipsters, Hip-hoppers or whatever they call you nowadays.”


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Nine Bold Predictions for the Upcoming Supreme Court Term

1.  Justice Kennedy will write the majority opinion for several 5-4 decisions.  Duh.

2. Justice Breyer will be fairly liberal on social issues, fairly conservative on business cases, and completely anonymous to 98% of the country.

3. Justice Ginsburg will insist during a question and answer session at a law school that she and Justice Scalia are really good friends.

4.  Justice Scalia will write a scathing dissent to one of Justice Ginsburg’s opinions that will make you wonder whether they are really good friends.

5.  Justice Alito will want to put some punk in jail that the other eight Justices want to set free.Supreme_Court_US_2010

6.  Justice Thomas will ask dozens of questions . . . about Nebraska football during a call in show on a local sports talk radio show.  He won’t ask any questions during oral arguments.

7.  Justice Sotomayor will say something that will remind you that she grew up in the Bronx and that she could probably mess you up. Do not give her a reason.

8.  Justice Kagan will do her former law school dean colleagues a solid and hire all the unemployed recent law school graduates as law clerks.

9. Numerous commentators will lament that Chief Justice Roberts is leading the Court’s erosion of Civil Rights but acknowledge that he is being really polite about it.

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Nine Ways in Which the Supreme Court is like Sharknado

I finally got around to watching SyFy’s Sharknado, a cautionary tale of the perils of sharks in tornados, which is now headed for movie theatres.  When I wasn’t being overwhelmed by the special effects, dialog, and overall production values, I couldn’t help but notice the number of similarities between Sharknado and the United States Supreme Court (because that’s how I roll).  While I could list dozens or parallels, here are the top 9:

Supreme_Court_US_2010.jpg9.  The first showing of Sharknado drew 1.4 million viewers, which was very similar to the number of viewers of scotusblog’s live blog on the last day of the Supreme Court term.

8. Neither anyone in Sharknado nor anyone on the Supreme Court is likely to win an Emmy this year.

7.  The path of a sharknado is hard to predict and difficult to follow, much like Justice Kennedy is hard to predict and it is sometimes difficult to follow his written opinions.

6.  Ian Ziering, star of Sharknado, formerly worked on Beverly Hills, 90210 with Luke Perry.  The Supreme Court recently decided the California Proposition 8 case, Hollingsworth v. Perry (no relation).

sharknado5. The sharknados in Sharknado thrust California into chaos.  Some have argued that the Supreme Court’s Proposition 8 decision has thrown California marriage law into chaos.

4.  Sharknado took Twitter by storm, just like the Supreme Court’s same sex marriage decisions generated huge amounts of Twitter traffic.

3.  (Spoiler alert) The characters in Sharknado reduced the power of the sharknados by packing them with bombs.  FDR tried to reduce the power of the Supreme Court by packing it with additional justices.

2.  The sharks in Sharknado attacked in waves.  The Supreme Court released opinions in waves this past term, issuing twelve in the last week and a total of thirty in the last month.

1.  The Supreme Court’s approval ratings are at an all-time low.   Sharknado‘s reviews were even worse.

Sharknado and the Supreme Court are quite different in at least one important way:  Sharkando was on TV and the Supreme Court isn’t — and that’s a shame.


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